FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord lets you keep some of the milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.

COMMUNISM: You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need." Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

PERESTROIKA: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free" market.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM. You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, slaughters them to feed the troops, and drafts you.

DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. 

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. 

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. They out-vote you 2-1 to ban all meat and dairy products. 

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Both major parties promise to give you two more cows if you vote for them. After the election, the losing party tries to impeach the President for speculating in cow futures. The media dubs the affair "Cowgate." 

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government assures everyone that everything is fine. 

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it requires you to fill out forms -- in triplicate -- to account for the missing milk. 

NEW DEALISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the drain. 

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. 

LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. You do whatever you like with them as long as you don't interfere with the lives or property of other people.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies that they ever existed. Milk is banned. 

LEFT-ANARCHISM: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price, or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you. 

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf. 

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant, capitalist past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender. 

COUNTER-CULTURALISM: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You've got to have some of this milk. 

BUREAUCRATIC ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. You file a 7,000-page environmental impact statement (in triplicate) and wait ten months for a response. Then the government declares your property a wetland and bans you from milking or killing the cows. 

PROTECTIONISM: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull. You take out a huge loan on the cow, and ignore both the cow and the loan from that point on. Then you try to milk the bull, and blame the Japanese for its lack of production. You bribe Congress to ban imported milk and increase farm subsidies. 

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

KEITHISM: Everybody has all the cows. Well not exactly you personally, and not exactly all the cows,. Personally you have no cows. No one you know has cows. But everybody else is similarly blessed. If you could find milk, butter or beef, it would all be yours too!