We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid riots incited by misguided numbskulls, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some commonsense guidelines for whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional, nobly motivated bedwetters...

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and to understand it require a corollary

Bill of No Rights.

ARTICLE 0: Except as specifically enumerated in it's Constitution: The Authorities, Rights, Responsibilities and Powers vested in the Government O f The United States Of America is ... Nada, Zip, Zilch, Zero, NONE .

ARTICLE I: You do not have a right to the labor of others. Neither does anyone else have any right

to your earnings derived by honest labor;
or its accumulated value;
or your resultant legal acquisitions;
of tangible or intangible property.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from stupidity. If you try to breathe water or stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect Mother Nature, a tool manufacturer or me to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes. (See article I)

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. (See article I)

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to harm other people. If you intentionally or negligently bring emotional, economic or physical harm to someone by lying, cheating, stealing, defrauding, kidnapping, trespassing, raping, maiming or killing, do not be surprised when the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, do not be surprised if the rest of us get together lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure. (See article I)

ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat. (See article VI)

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in the hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that have the right to pursue happiness - which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.